By Shane Murphy, Ph. D.
The Blame Game
If you have spent a lot of time as a youth sport parent
during the past year (as I have), you probably feel a bit battered and bruised
right now. It seems that everyone is ready to blame "out-of-control
parents" for all the ills of youth sports. We are the crazy ones screaming
on the sidelines, abusing the kids, yelling at the officials, and displaying
poor sportsmanship. What's a parent to do?
One piece of advice that is handed out regularly to parents
is to "set a good example" for our children. And most parents I know
DO try to be positive and to encourage to our children as they climb the
competitive sports ladder. But I have discovered that in order to have a
positive influence on those around us, including children and other parents, we
need to do more than just clap and cheer for our kids.
Teaching Sportsmanship
Here are five things you can do that will really show your
children (and other parents) what being "a good sport" is really all
about:
1.
Cheer for all the children, even those on the other team
This may seem
a bit radical, but I have seen what a surprising difference it can make on the
sidelines and in the stands when parents make an effort to applaud a good
effort or a fine play - no matter whom makes it. If you focus obsessively on
your own child at a sporting event you are giving a clear signal that you don't
really care about the team or the event - you just care about your son or
daughter. By contrast, parents who shout and cheer for all the children set a
great example for the kids, by sending the message that youth sports are about
giving one's best effort and enjoying the game, not about winning and losing.
2.
Thank the officials
If you find a
few moments to compliment the officials for their hard work after a game
(especially if your child's team loses) you will be rewarded with the pleasure
of seeing a surprised smile in return. Youth sport officials tell me that such
positive feedback, rare as it often is, goes a long way in motivating them to
stick with their volunteer work and keeps them going through the bad times. All
too often the only words a volunteer official hears (and remember, these are
often young people themselves), are harsh words of criticism such as "you
blew the call," "get some glasses," or even "you're ruining
the game ump." Make sure that the officials for your child's game always
hear at least one parent thanking them after every game: you! If you keep it
up, your example is sure to spread to other parents on your team.
3.
Talk to parents of the other team: they're not the enemy
Last year I attended a state
championship baseball playoff game for under-11 boys. The winner would advance
to the league's state final. After regulation play, the game was tied. The
tension in the stands among the parents kept rising as each extra inning
passed. Mothers would cover their eyes as their sons came to the plate, or hold
hands tightly with the parents sitting next to them. Finally, in the bottom of
the 10th, the home team broke through and scored the decisive run.
There was more relief than jubilation
from the parents of the winning team. Naturally, the parents of the other team
sat in stunned silence. Then, one of the parents on the winning side went over
to the parents of the losing team and began shaking hands with them, telling
them what an exceptional and competitive game their sons had played. I watched
closely and noticed smiles break out on the faces of these parents, saw their
shoulders lift and their energy return at this simple gesture from a member of
"the enemy."
Sometimes we get so caught up in
an in-town rivalry, or a big match against another school, that we forget that
the other team is really just like our kids. Their parents care about their
children just as much as we do. Showing our children that we can interact with
parents from the other team in a friendly manner sets a good example for them
to congratulate or commiserate with the other team after every match.
4.
Be a parent, not a coach: resist the urge to critique
Some of the young athletes I work
with tell me that they dread the ride home with their parents after a game or
match. That's because, win or lose, they know their parent will go over their
performance in detail, pointing out all their mistakes. Typical is Susan, a
12-year-old gymnast, who sat in my office recently with tears rolling down her
face as she recounted her father's reaction to her most recent competitive
performance at a gymnastics meet in Pennsylvania. On the four-hour drive home,
her father, Dennis, went over her routine in excruciating detail, listing all
the errors she made. He wasn't angry, he didn't yell. In fact, I am sure he had
the best of intentions: he just wanted her to know how she could improve.
The problem, of course, was that
Susan already knew each and every error her father pointed out, and also
recognized some additional missteps and faults that he hadn't listed. She
didn't need him to remind her of the obvious. Dennis mistook her quiet stoicism
in the face of a poor performance for a lack of caring. The fact was that Susan
cared a great deal about gymnastics and hated to do poorly at important meets.
The resulting resentment and miscommunications lead to Susan quitting gymnastics,
which was unfortunate and unnecessary.
The urge to
critique a child's performance is very natural for parents. Yet many of the
most successful athletes I work share something in common: their parents' lack
of criticism of their sporting performance. "They just wanted me to play
and have fun," is a typical comment from an Olympic basketball player.
Another told me "Mom and Dad never had much say in how I played. They left
that to the coach. But I knew they were always there for me, no matter how I did."
Sometimes just being there shows your children what being a good parent is all
about.
5.
Stay Physically Active
You will probably not be shocked
to learn that your child learns more from observing you than anyone else. If
you strongly encourage your child to participate in a sport, but aren't
physically active yourself, you are sending a mixed message. How can we expect
our children to grow up to be active and healthy adults if we ourselves are
couch potatoes?
The psychological advantages for
parents to remain actively involved in sports and physical activities while
their children participate in sports are many. It promotes an
outer-directedness that helps parents look beyond their child and see the big
picture. Being emotionally involved in your own sport helps avoid spoiling your
child with attention. It is difficult to be very critical of your child's
progress in a sport if you are constantly being confronted by how difficult it
is to move forward in your own sport. I know that, since I have taken up golf,
I have gained tremendous appreciation for how difficult it is for any child to
learn the complex motor and cognitive skills of a sport. This gives me more
patience for helping my children learn their sports.
In fact, I think the best sport programs of the future will be those that include the whole family. What better way for children to learn to have fun and enjoy sports than by sharing activities with their parents, siblings and friends?
Shane Murphy, Ph.D. is a sports psychologist in
Trumbull, Connecticut and author of The Cheers and Tears: A Healthy Alternative to the Dark Side of
Youth Sports Today.